Interviewer: "Cadman, looking back, you were a diehard bachelor and Kasey, you literally reported him to the police. Does Kasey keep a pair of handcuffs in the nightstand in case she needs to … well, conduct ‘citizen’s arrest’ when you snore too loudly?"
 

Cadman: "Oh, she’s still watching me.” He turns toward Kasey and winks. “But now, instead of calling the cops because she thinks I’m a high-end art thief…”
 

Kasey bats his arm. “Hey,” she laughs, “I never thought you were an art thief.”
 

With a smile, Cadman chuckles. “Alright, a drug dealer.”
 

“Addict,” Kasey corrects him.
 

Cadman shakes his head and looks back at the interviewer.  “Anyway, now she just calls me to ask why I didn’t mow the lawn immediately after noticing it existed, or why I didn’t move the laundry into the dryer when I was within a three-foot radius of the room. I already risk my life daily navigating a house that’s seventy percent craft supplies.”
 

Kasey bats his arm again. “Seriously? That’s your excuse for not doing chores?”
 

Cadman grinned at her. “No, but it sure is fun to watch you heat up.”
 

His wife scowled at him.
 

The interviewer, sensing imminent domestic violence, clears their throat. “Moving on. We need to talk about your cat. Kasey, Dolly was… less than welcoming to Cadman at first. Has she finally accepted him as the alpha of the household?”
 

Kasey: "Absolutely not. Dolly still looks at Cadman like he’s an intruder who overstayed his welcome and should be paying rent. They have a tentative peace treaty, but it’s mostly based on Cadman providing high-quality tuna bribes."
 

Cadman: "I’ve led tactical missions around the world,” he says flatly. “yet I sleep on the edge of the bed because a fifteen-pound cat and a sixty-five-pound dog have claimed the center like conquering warlords.”
 

Kasey: “Honey, you love Mutt. You’re the one who let him join us on the bed in the first place.”

Cadman, grumbling, “I didn’t think it was fair that your cat immediately established dominance while Mutt was relegated to a dog bed in the corner like an afterthought."
 

Kasey looks at me, smiles. “See? He loves that dog.”
 

Cadman scowls. The dog thumps its tail. The cat does not blink.
 

Interviewer: "Cadman, have you heard any updates on Kasey’s ex-husband, Richard?”
 

Cadman: " He took my advice very seriously. He hasn’t tried to marry anyone for sport since the day I had my… conversation with him.”
 

Kasey: “You know, you never did tell me what you said to him.”
 

Cadman: “And I never will. You’d feel bad for him, and I refuse to let that happen.”
 

Kasey: Sighs—the long suffering sigh of a woman married to a menace.
 

Interviewer: Last question. Cadman, your mother was very invested in you getting married and giving her grandchildren. Has she finally backed off?”
 

Cadman: “Backed off?” He laughs. “My mother doesn’t retreat. She regroups. She now treats Kasey like a trophy she personally won at auction. She’s graduated from ‘When are you getting married?’ to ‘When are you giving me another furry grandbaby?’”
 

He continues. “My mother and my wife are now a united front. Frankly, I’m shocked our house isn’t already a petting zoo.”
 

Kasey (grinning innocently): “Well, since you won’t let me get a horse—”
 

Cadman: “Never. Absolutely not. Do not finish that sentence.”
 

Interviewer: “And on that note, this concludes our interview with the Bensons.”